David Schwimmer's top lookalike, one Mr Ernie Winklestien, had a very lucrative career ahead of him doing supermarket openings and walk-ons, pretending to be David Schwimmer of "Friends" fame. The likeness was uncanny - even side by side you would have a hard time telling them apart. He even sounded like David Schwimmer.

At the height of his lookalike career, Ernie was invited to appear at a party for wealthy business tycoons who were all huge fans of "Friends". The party was held on a luxury yacht out at sea (most likely to take advantage of international waters laws). All was going great and Ernie had done his Ross impersonations and was happily getting drunk, when he stumbled and fell overboard. Unfortunately, nobody had noticed him fall overboard, so he was left to try and get back on the boat himself. Sadly, he didn't make it - it turns out he was a pretty poor Schwimmer after all.

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Jade Goody, the much unloved British Z-list celebrity has passed away. Her demise was brought about by a cruel twist of fate and physics. For you see, it is a widely unknown scientific fact that if more than three thousand people shout "Yes" in a thick Jamaican accent, it results in a serious dose of brown noise*

It was unfortunate that Jade Goody tried to take her career forward by making a guest appearance at a concert in Kingston Town. She walked on stage and shouted out: "Am I minging". The sound of excrement spraying violently against the walls could be heard from miles away.

All but one of the cleaners that worked at the stadium quit the following day. And the other one, well, he was always a bit weird.


*Brown noise is the name given to the frequency of sound, where if played loud enough it causes a resonance within the human bowel, forcing it to empty - sometimes violently.

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Sadly, Ray Charles is no longer with us. His career ended abruptly; he died of first degree burns when he attempted to answer the phone while doing the ironing

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